Top Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. "The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone 100 dollars who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up"

Once there was a fly who looked down and saw a piece of pollen on the water and thought, "If I swing down I can get the pollen and have some dinner. Then a salmon saw the fly and thought, "once the fly goes for the pollen Ill be able to grab him and have some dinner. Then a bear saw the salmon and thought,"once he goes for the fly Ill be able to get him and have some dinner" Then the hunter saw the bear and thought, "once he goes for the salmon Ill have some dinner" Then the mouse saw the hunter and thought, "once he goes for the bear his sandwich will fall out of his pack. Then the cat saw the mouse and thought,"once the mouse goes for the sandwich Ill have some dinner" So the fly went down to get the pollen and everything else happened. The Moral of this story is: When the fly goes down there is a satisfied pussy.

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing